I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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