you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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