if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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