I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
