At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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