I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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