What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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