Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
