I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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