I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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