Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
