I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
