After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
