I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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