What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
