i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
