i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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