so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
