It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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