i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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