Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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