I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
