Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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