I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
