I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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