actually, I'm a sock model
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
