dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
