Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
