i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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