my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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