Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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