I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
