We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
