I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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