no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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