READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
