I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
