the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
