my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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