I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
