just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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