Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
