You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
