also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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