I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
