Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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