Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
