Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
