yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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