No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
