He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
