Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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