The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
