She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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